There is one immutable rule of dog training when it comes to controlling that muscle-headed bundle of energy known as a Labrador retriever. Do not unleash ol' Thickskull in a pecan grove. Reason: Squirrels love pecans, and they inhabit pecan groves in inordinate numbers. Dovetailing neatly with this fact is the known predilection of Labs for squirrels. The breed would rather chase a squirrel than eat, which, since a Lab compares favorably with the great white shark as an insatiable omnivore, speaks volumes. So, put a Lab in a pecan grove and what results is complete insanity. The dog goes crazy bounding around and barking up every tree in the 40-acre woods, and the owner goes quietly nuts trying to reign in his charge's mindless enthusiasm. It's not a pretty sight, as discipline on both sides goes out the window. The fluorescent yellow tennis ball, object of months of intensive training in the art of fetching, will lay untouched where it lands. So many squirrels, so little time.
I am that Labrador retriever. And eBay is my pecan grove. There. I've said it.
It started innocently enough. I needed a motor for the Greyhound. I found one on eBay, bid on the thing, bought it-including the '72 Bavaria box it came in-and went to the Chicago environs to collect my prize. No problem, and I even enjoyed the process. But it didn't end there. Oh no.
I began to spend many of my precious waking hours surfing eBay. These were hours that should have been occupied by the Greyhound, but I was too busy bouncing electronically from classic to classic. So many cars, so little time.
And there were any number of lovely orphans out there, lacking just a few "finishing touches" (read: total rags, every part shot, needing years of intensive work). Many of these jewels-in-search-of-a-new-home were cars that rarely appeared in our daily's classified section but remained on my "gotta have" list. For instance, I've always been a huge fan of BMW's little New Class box, the 2002. And though I had owned at least 10 of them over the last 25 years, a high-performance fuel-injected version, the tii, had somehow eluded me. "It doesn't have to be that way," I reasoned. "Now, I've got eBay!"
So the square-taillight 2002tii located right up the road (right up the 600-mile road, that is) in Charleston, S.C., was a no-brainer...literally. I bid a mere $1,300, won the car, and road-tripped to haul it home. Not once during the process did I chance to think, "What the hell are you doing? You have a race car to build!"
Of course, a $1,300 tii will need "sorting." Lots of it. The previous owner had the mechanical fuel-injection pump timed 180 degrees out of phase, the throttle body linkage had no apparent relationship to the fuel-injection pump, and the electrical wiring was, in a word, screwed. All this stuff takes time to straighten out. Then I had to go into the mechanical fuel-injection pump's guttyworks to fix a lack of pressure on the number-two cylinder, and though the operation was a complete success (there are many brain surgeons out there weeping bitter tears of envy at those words), it took time. Yes, all it takes is time. Meanwhile, progress on the Greyhound was glacial at best.