* Thou shalt have xenon headlights* Thou shalt activate thine headlamps and foglights even in full sunshine* Thou shalt leave thine left indicator permanently blinking* Thou shalt have abundant credit on thine plastic for multiple refuelling stops* Thou shalt alter your personality from tolerant citizen to arrogant, selfish elitist* Thou shalt flash furiously at any fool in the middle lane who looks like he's eventhinking of moving out* Thou shalt zap across to the inside lane at every opportunity in order to set anexample of lane discipline to the ignoramus pootling along in the middle* Thou shalt studiously ignore the abusive gestures of such ignoramuses* Thou shalt not flash a Porsche to get out of your way (or be damned to breathe his exhaust for eternity)* Thou shalt be very wary of vehicles bearing Eastern European number plates(this doesn't only apply to full-on driving)
Once you learn these basic rules, you're ready for a full-on assault of German tarmac!
There are many good things about living in Germany-the spotlessly clean streets, the high standard of living, a pleasant climate, its proximity to several other interesting European countries....
It does, on the other hand, have its downsides-a population for whom friendly service and hospitality is largely undiscovered territory, a penchant for excessive and pointless regulations, and a language only marginally less complicated than Finnish. But, no matter how much you weigh up the pros and cons, for motoring fans there is one indisputable factor in the credit column. Germany is the only country in the world where you can overtake a police car at 150 mph without the need for a good attorney.
I'm in the lucky position of living 980 kilometers away from my German in-laws. This, you must understand, is no indication of a poor relationship. Quite the reverse. It gives us the perfect excuse to check frequently the high-speed credentials of many a willing test car. Enter stage left-the classic of all autobahn blasters-the BMW M5.
Okay, the current model is no spring chicken, but its 4.9-liter 400-bhp V8 will remain Munich's top dog for another year or two, until the next-generation M5 hits the streets with a rumored 5.5-liter 500-bhp V10 with Formula One roots.
But, before such heirs take the throne, I want to pay due deference to the current monarch by giving it free rein on its home turf.
At the southern end of the route is our home in Munich, with in-lawsville lying as far north as you can get in Germany without calling it Denmark. Apart from 2km at the beginning and 40km at the end, the entire stretch is a seamless blend of three autobahnen-the A9, A3 and A7.
As we pull away from our apartment, I can already feel the car's eagerness. Just a tip on the gas in any gear is enough to send a tingle of anticipation through all major arteries. I pull onto the autobahn and...join everybody else trundling along at a mandatory 50 mph.