The new MINI is a paragon of virtues. Wonderful packaging, just the right amount of retro-touches in the styling, adequate performance. Wait, did I just say "adequate"? Yes, I did, and yes, it's the proper descriptor for the new MINI's thrust. Even the Cooper S, at 163 horsepower, won't leave you gasping in disbelief at the unbelievable acceleration. Reason? In keeping with the rest of society, the modern version of this icon has put on a little road holding weight. At 2300 pounds, it's up half a ton versus the original Mini. And while the sophisticated amenities, bells, whistles and safety features of the new MINI make the old standard seem like a curved-dash Olds by comparison, still there's that small part of your brain that's saying, "Damn' . . . sure wish this thing had a few more horsepower. . . like maybe a hundred or so."
It has been ever thus. The original Mini, in the last, Mark IV configuration, sported the same Austin A-series motor as the first, although in its final, dual-point fuel injected form this venerable boat anchor was worth a mighty 63 horsepower. But, as we all know, the very best path to performance is to add lightness, and because it had a mere 1330 pounds to shift, the anemic 1275 cc lump was almost adequate. Almost. . . if it only had a few more horsepower.
Enter the tuners.
GoMini, based in Alpharetta, Georgia, has imported and upgraded original Minis for several years now. They've been doing sub-1500-pound flyers, with hotted up 1275 cc A-series motors as propulsion, since opening the doors in 1998. These cars were interesting, yes. And fun. But what if. . . ?
Well, I now know the answer to "What if. . .?" and it's kick butt. The latest iteration of their performance efforts is based on a Mark IV Mini, but the 1951 technology under the hood has been consigned to the scrap heap. In its place is The Motor That Must Not Be Named.You would probably recognize the manufacturer if I let the name drop, but I won't. Suffice it to say that this high-tech Variable valve Timing and lift Electronic Control unit is of other than British origin. Hell, over in Blighty they're still not sure that overhead valves are here to stay.
The raging transplant puts out about 180 horsepower at 8000 rpm with a few adjustments to its programmable brain box. It's cradled in a modified Rover subframe, with a four inch sheetmetal graft applied to the center of the front fenders to accommodate the new muscle.
The suspension has been upgraded from jouncy-bouncy rubber to coilovers with Spax adjustable shocks at the front and rear. The brakes in front are relatively huge 8.4 inch rotors and 4-pot calipers from the MG Metro turbo. At the rear. . . well, who needs rear brakes on a Mini anyway? (They're stock drums, if you must know, and they do just fine). The result rides on Yokohama A032 R tires, 175/60 x 13 front and rear. A DTM exhaust completes the snarly, edgy package with just the right sounds.
Interior features include a variety of user-specified seats, including Cobra Classics for that 60's club-racer look and a custom carbon-fiber dash installation that's very retro-brought-up-to-date. Actual air conditioning, as opposed to the Brit variety, is installed, and buyers have a choice of sound systems.
The whole package is very finished, very complete, and looks for all the world like a juiced-up A-series Mini, maybe with something radical, such as dual SU's, under the hood. That impression lasts until the first turn of the key. The VTEC power plant has a crispness, a latent menace in the exhaust note like no BMC motor on earth.. The short, precise shift throw into first is another indication that this is no Carnaby Street grocery getter. But once you gingerly engage the clutch it could be Mary's Little Lamb. For about a second. Acceleration is merely very good until the tach shows about 5000 rpms and you nail the throttle. Thrust goes from "nice" to cannon shot. The exhaust note goes down two octaves and up 90 db. Your cheeks balloon out like that guy in the '50's rocket sled tests and you can hear two distinct clunks as your eyeballs smack into the back of your skull. This thing is scary fast. In less time than it takes me to type "0-60" the speedo is cranking through 100 on the way to God-knows-where. Hey, but where's the torque steer? We should be pointed toward the weeds right now, but instead we're tracking straight as an arrow. What gives? Well, the same company that provided the whack in the small of your back has become the donor for equal-length driveshafts at the front, hence, no reprehensible stupid torque tricks via the steering box. Modern technology does come in handy now and again.
Cornering ability on the sticky Yokos matches the achievable velocity, to provide a driving experience that amazes those of us used to our dear old Mark IV Minis. Yeah, that's right, I'm the proud owner of an early '90's Mini. And I love it.
But I love this evil spawn of Mini even more.
GoMini will sell you a kit to build your own Beast from Birmingham. Or you can order up the complete Monster at GoMini.com. Be careful. It eats mortals for lunch. I still have the bite marks.